I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize