I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
