i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
