Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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