He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
