i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
