im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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