I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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