Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
