I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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