i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
