if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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