i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
