Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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