I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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