you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
