Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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