i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
