I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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