Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
