I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
