I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just had sex on a roof
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I need to calm my uterus...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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