I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
