all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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