I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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