I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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