If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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