i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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