did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
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