I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
God, I missed his penis.
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