Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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