Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
