Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
