My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
