I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
