I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
