I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
