If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
