I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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