I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
