my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
