his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
