this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
