Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize