Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Randomize
