i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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