just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
