I wish my penis had an off switch
She's JV to your varsity
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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