Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
