Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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