why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I said "one day" and that day is not today
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
