I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
