i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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