but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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