My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
