wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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