I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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