we have pet lesbian snakes
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize