I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
send nudes
from the living room?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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