I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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