so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
