my sisters under your porch take her home
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
