I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
