Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
