i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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