remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
