So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
