Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
