I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
BRING THE BAGELS
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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