we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
