i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Houston, we have a squirter
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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