The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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