i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
