He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
